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[25 Nov 2007|09:01pm] |
HEY YOU!
uh, i moved
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bulletstoblack
add me over there kay? i'm sick of this name. hope to see you all.
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| this is a warning |
[17 Sep 2007|11:34pm] |
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i read a letter that i wrote to no one in particular when i was thirteen. explaining the shit that was happening in my head. here i thought i was getting better, i realize that not much has changed, ive just gotten fairly stronger. my biggest fear right now is practically coming true. i am going to fall right back into how i was in eighth grade. im going to shut you people out. only this time, people will notice, because i have gained a lot of new friends and am much more social than i was. this time i wont be able to hurt myself, because i promised i wouldnt, and even if i broke that promise i wouldnt be able to hide it. this time i may just end up in therapy. this time i dont know if i will be able to get out, because it all feels the same now. i dont know if im slipping, falling, trying to get up or just plain laying here.
i just dont know anymore.
this is so much more horrible than i let on.
its not just paranoia and its not just the past, its happening right now. right under everybodys noses.
including mine.
not for long
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[08 Aug 2007|01:14am] |
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this is why i never get my hopes up for anything. shame on me for fucking letting myself slip. i think this is the first time ive actually let them get shot down since i was young. the whole thing is ridiculous. you may think im just being bitter when i say "i shouldnt have got my hopes up" but i literally shouldnt have. as usual, my expectations were set high, even though i denied it. and so when... when they werent met i was left with the worst feelings in the world and i cant believe im not over it yet. i cant cry, tears come out for a second if at all. i hurt so bad but nothing will relieve me. these feelings cause me to be an asshole to everyone and just get up and leave even though id fucking love to stay and enjoy myself and talk to these people, but i dont, i cant. i cant pretend its okay and i refuse to say whats wrong. so im fucked either way, until i get over it. and i think we all know thats not something i do well. fucked, i am. fucked. im sick of this.
also im sick of getting fucking lied to by YOU. im sick of believing theres some good of you. im sick of you blatantly ignoring me like im some worthless piece of shit because, even if i am a worthless piece of shit, i do not deserve to get ignored and treated like one by YOU. so fuck you. im done. im getting what i want and im done with you. have fun. fuck you.
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[01 Aug 2007|07:18pm] |
seriously, just hearing the bass start headfirst for halos made me fucking... unexplainably giddy. i hope they start playing more bullets.
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| its time to be depressive again |
[16 Jul 2007|03:37am] |
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four oclock in the morning feels like midnight, my sleeping pattern has never been worse. lately im forgetting to eat and wake up with hunger pains so bad i feel nauseous.. but i still dont get any food... i actually considered just taking my iron pills and drinking water when i realized this but then id be a hypocrite. i dont like being tall. even if if i lost all the weight i wanted id still be awkward. im just so goddamn SICK of my face, the way i look, being all siked about seeing a picture that i took with friends and then HATING it because of my face, my body, i dont look the way i want to and i cant keep it as a memory because it hurts to look at. im sick of my nose being so goddamn big. im sick of being ashamed to laugh in front of people because i know how my face looks when that happens and it looks absolutely horrifying.. the lines around my mouth, the way the corners of my lips fight to stretch into my cheeks but barely get anywhere. the way the skin pulls across my jaw from my chin and causes it to stick out, with its divits, its an ass chin. its a huge awkward buldge that looks awful. the way my teeth hardly show when i smile and all you can see is the creases. the way my upper lip curves and sets so disgustingly on my bottom one. the way my jaw looks crooked and my eyes get to small on the corners and i look like im in pain. i hate how wide my hips are and how big my rack is and how much that makes my gut look even bigger, and awkward. i hate how big my ass is to make my waist even worse. i hate how awkward i look all the time. i hate how my nose comes to a point when i smile.
i want a nice, soft, smooth chin, with nice full pink lips and a gorgeous smile, just a full smile with the corners of my lips gently, but firmly creased in my cheeks. and a wonderful little shaped nose, a little button nose, without the bend in the bridge and the point and the overall disgusting form.
the only thing i like about my face is my bottom lip and my jawline and the gold ring around my iris'.
i want to love myself. you guys, whoever reads this and cares is going to be like "no, youre beautiful just the way you are, it doesnt matter if youre fat or skinny and your face is fine your nose is fine" afnkasdjkfaf blahblahbalhblah well thank you. i really do appreciate it, when people tell me im so goddamn gorgeous, its so flattering, really. but i dont see it. you can say whatever the hell you want but chances are im going to be rude and seem completely careless about your kind words, because i just dont see it, and sometimes it hurts to hear it. im apparently some beautiful person but you know what? i dont fucking see it. i see horrible, horrible things. i see my face put together wrong. these parts dont match. no matter what you say or how many people like me at once or if im in love or anything, it doesnt matter, im still going to want that beautiful smile and cute little chin and nose.
i would go and get plastic surgery to get that chin, and get that smile, or as much of it as possible.. but i know it couldnt make it perfect and it most likely wont end up looking natural. and more importantly that would make me a hypocrite, too. id be disgusted with myself because it wouldnt be me. id be gorgeous, but i wouldnt be me. so god damn my morals.
( faces i envy so much, it hurts. )
this update took me hours
i have to go sleep now. im supposed to be up before 12 30 because mandi and i wanna go to the movies and i have to clean my room and shower still.
im thirsty.
and i have no more orange juice. and i still dislike myself. and my fucking back is like a 70 year olds. it pops when i breathe. i cant take myself, seriously.
im gonna make lemonade and watch superstar. goodnight(morning).
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| i know youre only blinding to keep back what the clouds are hiding |
[09 Jul 2007|12:00am] |
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how much does it hurt to see your memories outside of your head, after such a long time?
i cant think of a word strong enough.
when my skin gets too hot or too cold, my tattoos start coming alive again. im not sure why this happens, but its like... your skin, the color is affected by the temperature and everything, and that just what happens. it just makes certain things more visible. like, well for instance- tattoos, freckles, veins.. cuts, scars.. so when i go swimming in cold water, or stay out in the sun and get tan (much to my disliking) i can see them, plain as fucking day. i cant stand it. i cant stand it. i can see them right now.
at the lake i was sitting there, and i couldnt stop looking at them. the other day i could see them, here at my desk, and i almost started crying. but people were here. its fucking scary. i hate to see this. i hate it. the lines dont just go vertical, or horizontal, they go everywhere... theyre everywhere.. there are so many. so many. so fucking many, they cover. they go everywhere. and i love how they are so teasing, as to be so, so light in my skin but so freaking bright to me. youd have to look close. i cant forget where they are, now. after looking at them so much. theyre like ghosts. i cant stop touching, i cant feel a thing. ha, i cant feel a thing. that is such an ironic sentence.
mandi looked too, i showed her. "geez", she said, taking my arm back to look more closely. that was a greater reaction than i had expected and it wasnt even that great. i dont know why thats significant to me. but i cant stop looking and touching. trying to feel them. i want to feel them, but at the same time, i know if i did id yank my hand away so fast... why does this hurt me so much? i just keep remembering. i just keep seeing myself sobbing and pulling the stupid dull blade across my skin. like... it was like- the blade was dull on this pocketknife i had, so id have to press hard against the skin, and pull very fast. to leave a nice slice. the skin would warm, burn, seperate and bleed. and id just watch and make so many that my flesh was swollen. then id pull down my sleeve and leave my closet, go lay down. listen to some music. i just keep remembering my view of when id do it. watching. pressing. pulling. crying. i remember significant times. i remember pulling my sleeve down over my left hand. all the time. i remember hiding in gym class. i remember catching a patch of pink, brown and red showing on my hand and catching brent looking. why does it hurt me so much?
its all over now. im over it now. i dont need to cut. im done. theyre a part of me. theyve made me stronger. blah blah blah. im glad i had the experience, i am. i really am. im gald that i have one tiny slit that i can always see. sometimes, SOMETIMES i am glad, grateful for that one permament, always visible scar from when i went too deep. but i cannot handle seeing the fucking disaster i would carve every fucking night again. i cant do it. i cant.
but i know i have to.
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[02 Jul 2007|09:39pm] |
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Anxiety is an unpleasant state that involves a complex combination of emotions that include fear, apprehension, and worry. It is often accompanied by physical sensations such as heart palpitations, nausea, chest pain, shortness of breath, or tension headache.
Anxiety is often described as having cognitive, somatic, emotional, and behavioral components (Seligman, Walker & Rosenhan, 2001). The cognitive component entails expectation of a diffuse and uncertain danger. Somatically the body prepares the organism to deal with threat (known as an emergency reaction): blood pressure and heart rate are increased, sweating is increased, bloodflow to the major muscle groups is increased, and immune and digestive system functions are inhibited. Externally, somatic signs of anxiety may include pale skin, sweating, trembling, and pupillary dilation. Emotionally, anxiety causes a sense of dread or panic and physically causes nausea, and chills. Behaviorally, both voluntary and involuntary behaviors may arise directed at escaping or avoiding the source of anxiety. These behaviors are frequent and often maladaptive, being most extreme in anxiety disorders. However, anxiety is not always pathological or maladaptive: it is a common emotion along with fear, anger, sadness, and happiness, and it has a very important function in relation to survival.
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[21 Feb 2007|03:13am] |
So, what. If I get no tardies and no detentions until March 1st, I'm going to see MCR at Allstate. Alright, I can do that. But who's going with me? Mom still hasn't "made time" to call Becky's fucking mother. This blows, i'm sick of no one around me having any determination or commitment. IE working on the BAND... :|
Speaking of which I finally got some shit done on my guitar. I'll have to show the guys that one... at least Becky first
Leathermouth's new single is fucking awesome :( I love them, dude. I really do.
Jesus commented my picture of me and him lmao. and thanked us once again via my "lil comment area" for coming. Ahh Jesus. Ilu.
Andy's dad went to the hospital lastnight because he had a diabetic attack. I was really worried about Andy. He wasn't himself today until toward the end of school. His dad's alright now but still in the hospital, I believe.
Fucking hate science class. I want eggplant parmesan. Amber and I talked.
I wish Tammy would sign on :(
for anyone who reads this still, please at me at gj. I'm actually alive there.
mishybear@greatestjournal.com
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[28 Jan 2007|08:32pm] |
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[16 Jan 2007|09:13pm] |
edit
IT'S FINALLY SETTLED
And with this new information, tell me how could I not seize the opportunity to announce that GERARD AND ELIZA WERE NEVER TOGETHER! Yes, oh yes, because if you may note;
"It was with someone who knew me before the band."
"Halfway through recording-literally just when I had finished tracking the vocal parts and chorus line to Famous Last Words- I realised that line ('I am not afraid to walk this world alone') was the truth. I broke up with her a week later."
"I'm alone right now, for the first time in ten years."
Now, if I am correct, Eliza met Gerard Way as the lead singer of My Chemical Romance. Not just plain old Gerard, living-in-his-mom's-basement- Way. Thus my first point proving they were never together. Second point, it lasted for six years. So the two obviously didn't date anytime afterwards. Finally, my third point, and I quote, "I'm alone right now".
THEY ARE NOT AND NEVER WERE TOGETHER. THANK YOU, ALL YOU GERARD/ELIZA BELIEVERS FOR THE ENTERTAINMENT.
Yes, I'm going to be a fucking cocky smartass about this, because everyone who thought they were together and "hiding it" were cocky smartasses about their beliefs. So, this is my sweet, ohhhh so sweet fucking revenge. :D!
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
but the whole article made me cry pretty much. :[
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[10 Jan 2007|08:45pm] |
OH MY GOD I NEED ITALIAN FOOD RIGHT. NOW.
SOMEONE PLEASE BRING ME:
EGGPLANT PAREMSAN
CHEESE RAVIOLI
MEATLEASS LASAGNA
CEASER SALAD
BREADSTICKS
GARLIC BREAD
ANY OF THOSE PLEASE
:[ I need it NOW NOW NOW AHHHH THE CRAVINGS ARE EATING ME ALIIIIIIIIVE
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[25 Dec 2006|12:00pm] |
MERRY CHRISTMAS
Kiara says hi :D I got a high quality camera for christmas... :D
sorry flist :[
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[12 Dec 2006|01:54am] |
I'M GOING TO SEE MCR I'M GONG TO SEE MCR I'M GOING TO SEE MCR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THIS WEDNESDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THE FUCKING THIRTEENTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ASNJKLASNFAJKDNSGFADKLNFJKSNGJDNGLANGJKNASDJKAGNDJKNBNAJKLBNEKLKLGFKLT
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[29 Nov 2006|05:08pm] |
31) If you had only enough energy left in you for one last smile, who would you give it to?
derose
:'[ andy's too sweet to me.
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